Sacred Chaos

We have four children...
All boys...
Age seven and under...
Two in school...
One in pre-k...
One in diapers...
My husband is a bi-vocational, part-time youth pastor/full-time analyst...
He's pursuing his undergrad in his "free time"...

We almost always have chaos.  Terms like "sleep", "vacation", "day off" and "relax" are not, at this stage of life, part of our regular vocabulary.  As such, there are things we just don't do.  None of our kids are in organized activities (yet), we are not actively part of the PTA, and I don't make any long-term, regular/weekly commitments.  We know it's only for a time and that as the degree gets completed, the kids grow and our roles evolve, so too will our lifestyle.  In addition, I speculate that due to some generational issues and some abuse I endured in the past, I struggle with a bit of an attachment disorder.  Not to a debilitating level but it just adds to the chaos as I grow through my own struggles while trying to co-shepherd this house full of man-hearts.

For now, I've learned, for the most part, to embrace this sacred chaos.  It is the sounds of children growing, refining taking place, foundations being built, and a period of life that every sage mentor I've ever had has told me I will someday miss.  My laundry baskets are never empty, my dust bunnies never vanquished, my furniture never polished with anything besides a banana, and a bathroom that's probably never sanitary for more than five minutes.  What we do have instead is giggles and wrestling matches, crying and cuddling, tantrums and lectures, messes and miracles, set-backs and breakthroughs.  We have a leader that God is using in and out of our home, showing four little boys how to be men, how to balance family and ministry, and, most important, we hope, how to be warriors for God's Kingdom as eventual husbands and fathers themselves.

I've pondered many times "Why?"... Why did God choose us to raise up four men?  Why do other couples try for years before they get even one... maybe none?  I so often feel inadequate and overwhelmed by our life; sometimes in a negative way but sometimes in a positive way, humbly in awe that God would entrust me with these remarkable little people.  God's word says "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children are a reward from Him (Ps. 127:3) and I recently came to a much deeper understanding of that verse.  I realized that if we'd had daughters, there's a probability that a Godly heritage in my husband's family name would die with him.  I believe God has a purpose and a destiny for this band of brothers and I am honored that God chose me to be their mommy.  I am learning to embrace the chaos for what it is, nurture them into who they're meant to be and praise God for the sacred beauty in all of it.

By the way, wherever you are, if you happen to be raising my future daughters-in-law, I'm praying for you and them.  I can't wait to meet you someday, to watch them grow in their own love, to coo over our grandchildren and sit back, giggling, as they sort out their own sacred chaos.