I have a dear friend and mentor who has moments with God where she says that the new revelation makes her feel like she needs to duct tape her head to keep her brain from exploding. We've discussed enough of these that we can now just look at each other and say "duct tape" and nod, knowing that something just crashed into our brains in a major way. Well, I had one of those recently...
The other night I was having a little pity party and feeling pretty down on myself when my husband shared something convicting. During a prayer meeting he was talking with someone else about contentment and, I suppose, in a round a bout way, surrender; whether he could be content with God no matter what He ever does or does not do in his life. This is not a mysterious concept, it's rather quite simple BUT, if I'm not mistaken, we as humans have trouble actually living it out in practicality. As I pondered the thought, BAM! The revelation, the duct tape revelation, crashed into my heart. I felt like the Holy Spirit asked me "What if this is all there ever is?"
See, I struggle deeply with negative self-talk and condemnation and have not ironically recently started a study as part of our ladies group on just that subject. Jennifer Rothschild is teaching us to clean out our "thought closets" because "what we think is what we wear". So here in the middle of this endeavor to throw out some long out-grown labels, comes these questions from the still, small voice:
"What if no one EVER approves of (me)?"
"What if (my) struggle with (my) son NEVER improves?"
"What if (I) never succeed at anything, ever?"
And, the kicker... the one that called for duct tape...
"What if what is, right now, right here, is all there ever is? BECAUSE it really actually is; you are not promised tomorrow so therefore not promised answers, improvement, escape, rescue, etc. SO, with that line of thinking, not that what is right now will never change BUT, if it doesn't, could you still be content? Could you still be fulfilled? Could you still find peace in God's love if that is all you have? Because, really, that's all you do have..."
I needed to keep my brain from exploding at that convicting thought. I had to open my white-knuckle grip on my need for my son's growth, I needed to release my need for approval, and I needed to hand over the desire to accomplish stuff. I needed to decide that what is, right now, is enough. After all, God has me right here, today, for His purposes, not my fulfillment and if He has so chosen that, for little 'ol me, specifically, knowingly, purposefully, and personally, then oughtn't I breathe a sigh of thanks make the best of it?
Absolutely. Immediately. Permanently.
This was all last Wednesday evening. I meant to write this post the next day and ran out of time. Good intentions for Friday were thwarted as well. Now, here we are the following Tuesday and I'm finally writing it down. Why? Because I quickly developed amnesia. I had already forgotten that mind-blowing moment and found myself, just this morning, setting up another pity party decorated with banners of "inadequacy", "failure", "disillusionment", and "doubt". Thankfully, my knight in shining armor, my beloved, best pal, prayer warrior husband, rode in to rescue me. He prayed over the phone with me while on a break with the loving authority of my Redeemer and jogged my memory.
"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV
"But Godliness with contentment is great gain" 1 Timothy 6:6
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:12-13
Here's some duct tape... pass it on!
Today I'm praying for/about:
Today, (in no particular order) I'm praying for...
- Fresh ideas, inspiration and diligence to post regularly again
- My dad fighting mesothelioma too far away for me to hug him
- Children, parents, and teachers everywhere preparing to return to school
- My single friends as they seek God for His guidance in relationships
- Broken relationships; for grace to abound where grace has been withheld
- You; I'm praying for every single person who views this blog.
Thank you for standing in agreement with me for these precious souls!